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| Photo: katekingtherapy.blogspot.com |
I knew you was my `once in a lifetime’. That you are the one who’ll always matter, the one who’ll always be different, the one who’ll always stand best.
You gave me my life back. The music I lost, I began to sing. The poetry and romance, I had lost my faith in and had forgotten, grew within me, all over again. It felt like I was alive for the first time, like everything was brand new, and that for once, the fairy tale felt real.
You had the most passionate kisses, and the warmest embrace. You made the sweetest whispers and drew the deepest breath. You looked through me with your eyes and you spoke deep into my soul. You caressed every inch of me with a single touch of your hand and beside you, I felt the world was perfect and I was complete.
If anyone had seen me dance beside you, you would’ve noticed that I did not see anybody else. If anyone had seen me walk by you, you would’ve noticed that I owned the world. If anyone had seen me watch you slept, you would’ve noticed that I was watching my life, reflected on you fast asleep.
I counted the minutes, the hours, the days and the months. I wanted to remember when you came and how. I wanted to remember every moment, every word, and every breath of laughter. I wanted to write a fairy tale love story in my mind.
I loved you more than I could’ve imagined, or more than anyone could've dreamed of. I knew I loved more than love itself. No tears, no rainbow, no wedding bells or song's beauty or sorrow, could ever describe the way I offered myself, to the painful reality that it was a fairy tale love that's not really mine. And yet, I loved you. How I truly loved you. Fearlessly. Without hesitation, and never holding back.
You doesn’t know now, and perhaps you never will. I had walked away empty, my heart, my life and my soul all within your hands. There really are some things that you lose in love that you can never take back... I walked away to give you away to the life that I could not offer. I walked out for I knew that I can never be the man that you will choose to look at every single day of your life. For I knew, that as you was the core of my world, to you, I was just a spice. I walked away to set you free, as I forever further entangled myself to the pain that was all that I had left of my fairy tale. I had walked away as silently as I could, with nobody ever hearing the sound of my shattering heart. Nobody. So I left... even when I knew that in my lifetime... I would never love anyone else that way again.
Oh, how could I have walked away...I can’t come face to face and watch my fairy tale fade before my very eyes. So I chose the easier way out that wasn't easy at all. No confrontations, no unbearable goodbyes. This way, you’ll never know how I cried. You’ll never know that at that fleeting moment when like in near death, I saw the life we had flashing before my very eyes, that I almost died. My heart bled in every way possible, and as I fought for every single ounce of strength I could muster, just to let you go, I was weaker at every second...
This way, you will never know that I still dream about you. You’ll never know that my eyes still get watery sometimes… and usually at the weirdest times: While on my way to work, while I run around, while I watch a movie… yes I cry. You’ll never know that even in the middle of a big jolly crowd, the loneliest I am, and the more alone I felt. You doesn’t know now, and perhaps You never will…
My time is up. I’ve taken the last flight out that led me nowhere. I have no regrets, though. I am even thankful that I was able to feel that love exists, that for once in my life I was sure that love was alive... and then realize that love doesn't have to last forever to be real. I know now that love is great. It is indeed what makes the world go around. It is what makes one reach for the stars, and at the same time jump into the greatest depths. It is what makes one altogether scared and hesitant and yet to certain and brave. It is what makes one both shattered and complete. Love is a cacophony of contradictions, and it is the greatest of all magic. Love is not only happiness, it is also a realization that pain and sacrifices can still be sweet, if only to preserve the one you love’s happiness.
I go on, now, what's left of my life ahead of me. There’s no turning back. There's nothing to turn back to now. Somehow, I’m no longer afraid to face anything anymore, but not because I’m strong, but because the world can’t do anything to touch me now. No pain will ever be greater than this wound that will never heal.
My life story closes as this fairy tale ends. It's over. There’s nothing left to write now…
